How this site came to be so Craptastic

11 07 2011

I’ve spoken previously about how the seeds for It Came From the App Store were sown, about how I tweeted about the hilarity of the description of SpaceRide and the comic genius of “nazi zombies: lord of sparta”. I still hadn’t decided to start a blog yet, though. It hadn’t even occurred to me at that point.

Today is the day I share with you the app that pushed me completely over the edge, the one that convinced me I needed some sort of platform to talk about this lesser discussed side of the app store. Later, once I came to the realization that just talking about apps on the store wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining as actually reviewing them, it provided inspiration for the theme of the reviews. Without further ado, I present:

Poo!

Yes, that’s really the name.

Developer: Lei Chi Tak
Purchase Price: $0.99

Honestly, it’s so tempting to just let that speak for itself, but then you wouldn’t have the full Poo! experience, so let’s do this! Or doo doo this, I don’t know.

Poo! is a high score game where you try and help encourage our little fuzzy friend here (who is apparently rather constipated) to make use of the facilities, generating as much poo as possible before time expires. Let me just get this out of the way right now and say I’m not looking forward to the soon-to-be-released follow-up entitled Plunge!

Here is the instruction screen for Poo! The objective is to hold the iPad close to you and grunt into the microphone, which encourages the bear to squeeze off a brown growler and make disturbing moaning sounds.

Fortunately, I discovered that running one’s fingers along the device in the vicinity of the microphone works extremely well. Never fear, you don’t have to worry about the embarrassment of making grunting noises into your iDevice while commuting to work on the bus, unless you just want to, of course!

This little guy has really been holding it in, good thing we’re here to help. Rather than erupt out of this poor bear’s bottom in one massive torpedo, they do occasionally take a break, so to speak, and Poo! updates us with just how much poo has been expelled up to that point.

The game does throw one wrinkle into the gameplay. At random intervals, the bear will become messy and has to be cleaned, as shown here. “Clean the ass first!!!” we are instructed. Now, I’m not an expert on cartoon bear anatomy, but I don’t think that’s the ass.

Now we arrive at the truth, this isn’t really a constipated bear ass-wiping simulator, it’s a constipated bear fondling simulator. Don’t think so? Well, there’s a certain fruit company that seems to agree with me. Check out this evidence:

I won’t even begin to hazard a guess as to why cleaning the bear makes a noise that sounds like a jackhammer. I’m just not going there.

Now honestly, I can’t imagine who in the heck would buy something like this. I still find it hard to believe I did. The fact that this monstrosity has 6 ratings, and all are 5 stars calls into question who these reviewers are. I think finding out these folks are friends of the developer is the least horrifying outcome I can think of.

So that’s it, that’s the blog’s dirty little secret. SpaceRide might have started me down the road, but here’s where I knew I was taking a left turn at Albuquerque. As for a score, I think you know the answer to that already. What else can I possibly give a game that makes me fondle a smiling bear so he can poop some more? I suppose I could give it credit for inspiring me to use a flaming pile of crap as a review score indicator. Or maybe not.

Survey says:

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