How this site came to be so Craptastic

I’ve spoken previously about how the seeds for It Came From the App Store were sown, about how I tweeted about the hilarity of the description of SpaceRide and the comic genius of “nazi zombies: lord of sparta”. I still hadn’t decided to start a blog yet, though. It hadn’t even occurred to me at that point.

Today is the day I share with you the app that pushed me completely over the edge, the one that convinced me I needed some sort of platform to talk about this lesser discussed side of the app store. Later, once I came to the realization that just talking about apps on the store wouldn’t be nearly as entertaining as actually reviewing them, it provided inspiration for the theme of the reviews. Without further ado, I present:

Poo!

Yes, that’s really the name.

Developer: Lei Chi Tak
Purchase Price: $0.99

Honestly, it’s so tempting to just let that speak for itself, but then you wouldn’t have the full Poo! experience, so let’s do this! Or doo doo this, I don’t know.

nazi zombies: the lord of sparta

So on June 2, two days after the SpaceRide tweet that began this whole mess, I came across this glorious title: “nazi zombies: the lord of sparta”, and felt compelled to share it with the world as well. Note that the lack of capitalization is the developer’s, not mine. Nazi zombies I get, we’ve seen that before, and it works pretty well, but what in God’s Green Eggs and Ham did that have to do with Sparta (oh, sorry, “sparta”). Check past the break to find out, intrepid reader!

SpaceRide: a Rocketship Through Space

Let’s take a rocket
A crazy kind of rocket
Let’s take a rocketship through space
It’s the final frontier, baby

[Montoya]Let me ‘splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.[/montoya]

I’ve often been amused by the app store. You see some pretty ridiculous things at times. But back on the 31st of May, shortly after proclaiming there ought to be a national holiday celebrating the arrival of Vidalia onions in the grocery store (and you know I’m right…Earth Day? Who would care if it didn’t give us tasty onions?), I saw an app store description so absolutely ridiculous that I felt compelled to tweet about it, which I’d never done before.

A few days later, another tweet followed with something equally absurd. Finally, after about a week, I stumbled upon an app that was so bizarre (be worried, it will show up here soon enough) that I decided I wanted to share the insanity in a broader format. The realization that I needed to not just talk about these apps, but to actually play and review them cemented the whole shebang.

So, without further ado, here’s the app store description that started all of this, presented to you in its entirety with limited commercial interruption:

SpaceRide is a ride through space, where you have to ride your spaceship through space and avoiding the space monsters. The more you get miss the more lives you get, collect the jewels falling to collect more points.

I think @pharaby said it best when she replied “….so, it’s all about…SPACE?! ”

Having purchased and played SpaceRide I can confirm that, yes, it is indeed about space. You need no longer suffer in anguish over that little mystery. Strangely, the in-game text is far more coherent.

SpaceRide

Developer: David Spalton
Purchase Price: $0.99

SpaceRide is a vertical-scrolling game where you tilt your iDevice to avoid “the evil Space Bubbles”. There’s no shooting here, just avoiding. Apparently, Space Bubbles are much more resilient than normal bubbles and don’t pop.

So you tilt your device (while holding it either horizontally or vertically) to dodge the bad guys falling from the top of the screen. You get points as time passes, and also for picking up space gems. There are no levels, no boss fights, no increase in speed or enemy frequency, nothing. Nada. Zilch. You’ll have seen everything the game has to offer within seconds. Furthermore, the game is ridiculously easy: you could keep a single game going indefinitely if you wanted. And hey, feel free to post that high score to Facebook!

Visually, I was surprised to see that the aforementioned ride actually has a really cool 80’s retro vibe going for it. This ship would look totally at home in a Galaga clone. The Space Bubbles are a bit of a different story. Actually, they’d be more convincing as Space Boogers.

One thing I just have to mention: if you’ve played iOS games with poor tilt controls, of which there are many, you can imagine my sense of dread when I realized SpaceRide was exclusively tilt-controlled. Shockingly, the controls are really good, among the best I’ve seen. Too bad there isn’t a more exciting game to go with them.

(Ironically, this video showing the opening minutes of MTV’s first broadcast appears to be flash-based and I can’t find a suitable replacement. Sorry!)

SpaceRide is certainly not the worst the app store has to offer (though I can safely say we’ll be visiting that territory soon enough). It’s also not something I’d suggest you go out and spend money on. Still, kind of like “Video Killed the Radio Star“, it will hold a place in my heart as the one that started it all.

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